Love and aloneness

A Christmas story

Today, I walked on the street alone, with absolutely nowhere to go. I felt joyful. I have no tropical holidays to escape the cold this year, but inside, I feel so warm. I have made the choice to finally make myself happy. I am spending Christmas alone. I tried so often to create a postcard that wasn’t viable, and then I tried to blame myself for not enjoying what I got. I am enjoying what I have now, curiously.

The warmth comes from knowing I finally have an opportunity to explore the world unrestrained by intrusive voices. I might make more money and have to accept a temporary aloneness. I felt regret about prior chapters of my life ending, even if I was the one to end things. I became entangled in situations I was unconvinced about to begin with. Why was I unconvinced? I could only choose through others’ gazes.

I know discomfort is necessary to get through to where I want to be. I simply found it impossible to convince myself of what I don’t believe in. Then, I realised: I was just painting the entire world with despair and cynicism. Having more endurance and being more strategic is a consequence of positivity. Although discomfort is inevitable, it is also possible to spend an entire lifetime doing things I have no interest in doing. It is very difficult to be positive and honest under those circumstances. I became so paranoid about what I thought I needed to do, I disconnected from what I love most.

Now that I am accepting myself, I feel so much relief.

What I love the most is beauty for its own sake. I love reading and writing, just like this. I know there are more important things to do, but this is why I exist. I love meaning, purpose, spaciousness and aesthetics. I live for poetry and music.

Cyclically abandoning people and projects led me to look at the origin of my dysfunctions. Most of the time I was arguing in my head about my preferences, thinking it unjust to discriminate against anyone (except myself, of course). It is exhausting. I was shocked because people for who I was painstakingly cultivating curiosity (to the point of attachment) were unable to reciprocate. I ended up feeling self-betrayed. I remembered arguments with people I care because I did not want to interact with others they cared about keeping connections with, that I did not. My loneliness is pervasive in those moments — not when I am alone.

I end up having to leave most situations and persons because I was compelled or talked myself into not voicing nor acting congruently with my true feelings in the moment. Sometimes things end because I do that respectfully, and I am learning to accept it with grace.

Who do I think I am to want the things I want? Do I really have a say in what I want? I can change, to an extent —but I am finding I like what I want. I like myself. I have had a problem with myself on behalf of voices that aren’t mine, to justify why we don’t get along, instead of being congruent with my preferences because I felt shame.

I like kindness. It breaks the chain of indiscriminately repeating abuse. It stops me from being rudely insensitive. I don’t enjoy unpleasant experiences, or hurting people unwillingly, but I have a personal issue when kindness converts to falsity.

I have messed up and owned up to it. I will continue, seeing I am human and interested in authenticity. I have forgiven whoever has felt truly sorry, too. I have decided to revoke my forgiveness for people who aren’t sorry. I know people who hurt, deny, and deflect. Lying breeds greater, or at least, faster success. Honesty colludes with my desire for greater control oftentimes. The only solution is acceptance: of identities and what sculpts them. As I sculpt with my true values (not just the ones “I should have”) I counter shame and accept true resonance. I love authenticity. For me, it entails a willingness to accept being outside of the norms — because I am.

I am spending this Christmas alone. I wanted to spend it with a loved one or a significant other, but it didn’t work out. I do not blame my family or myself at all. I am not deflecting: I have gone through the waves of anger, sadness, guilt, grief, and ultimately, acceptance. Today, my flatmate seemed concerned about my spending Christmas alone, and wished that I would spend it with someone.

I don’t, and I won’t.

This year, I am taking the memories of all Christmas past and gifting myself peace, love, and aloneness. I let myself want what I want. I accept what I need and what I have aren’t compatible unless I am alone for the moment. I am connecting with new and old friends with mutual respect, but in these moments, I can enjoy solitude. I have received help and love to get here.

I know I am not alone, generally — but tonight, I am, and it feels good.

It’s been a little over a year that my birthday wish was to meditate everyday, and finally, I am closer to it. It’s been two years since I wished I could go celibate. Ever since, I have wanted to stay faithful to agreements in relationships, or exit them. It’s happening now. I have made it happen. I am going to be conversely superstitious and believe that sharing my wishes will make them come true instead of jinxing them.

My current wish is to be loyal to myself in connection to others. I hope to enjoy my work ethically and aesthetically, to make enough money with it to afford a beautiful lifestyle. I wish my life to be photographed exquisitely, by myself and others. I love being surrounded by people who are tasteful, beautiful, caring, intellectual, and healthy — and I hope I will be. I wish to overcome my unrelenting standards, which paralyse me from creating and sharing — posting this is an effort in that direction.

I need respect and reciprocity. I know it’s going to take effort. I am determined. I know I won’t always get my way. I know I will need to be pragmatic to survive — but it will be better. I will create a body of work, executing my ideas. I hope they will be recognised by people whose work I admire.

I am not pretending that I don’t care about love or companionship. I am constructing a narrative with nuance. I have needs. I need to respect myself firstly. Thanks to myself, schema therapy, and the caring messages I receive I finally feel capable, and worthy.

My deepest wish for all of us is that we find our individual priorities, and a way of living them while being respectful of others. Not “nice” but respectful.

I will voice how I feel when I agree and disagree in real time. Even if not everyone has the same values, there is common ground to be found — sometimes, elsewhere. I will spend my holidays in company one day. Until then, I am alone, and joyful.

Love and aloneness aren’t mutually exclusive— they complement each other.